The long road back home

The war is finally over and some are happy, some aren't. I don't know what to feel. I have been in the thick of it when the war raged and friends dropped dead on the streets. It was called "civil unrest", "ethnic violence", "riots", the list goes on. War has many names, but the end result is the same - death. No one really wins a war. So I don't understand what all this "victory" celebrations are about.

I was one of those journalists, back in the day, who got the story back from the information department with numbers crossed out and facts distorted and forced to present the government's version of events. What we were essentially doing, or so we were told, was to maintain the morale of the people so we could continue fighting. It seemed to me that all we were doing was living in denial. The LTTE may have lost or been wiped out, whatever the government claims, but has anyone counted how many soldiers died in this war? How many Sinhalese families are mourning the death of their children?

I left Sri Lanka a few years back. I have been asked if I regret leaving, of course I do. It is home. We were on the move for the better part of my growing years, thanks to the war. I am sure there are many more people just like me out there. However I went back "home", determined not to leave and make a life for me there. The forces were stronger than my will.

Can I go back now? Can the Tamils dispersed all over the world go back? Can the Sinhalese who left the country because of the war go back? Can we all find employment? Can we all find a place to live? More importantly, can we all live together in peace? Can we wipe out the prejudices and overlook ethnicity, language and religion? I am not convinced.

I hear journalists are still living under fear, so I suppose there is no work for me, or for my friends scattered world over. I cannot go back, I will never belong at home or anywhere.